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Sabtu, 05 Desember 2009

Saat Menegangkan sebagai Orangtua


Oleh: Mohammad Fauzil Adhim

Pernah ribut dengan anak? Kita merasa sudah menasihati, mewanti-wanti, dan menjelaskan tentang apa yang boleh dan apa yang tidak, tetapi anak masih saja melakukan hal-hal yang tak terduga. Urat syaraf kita menegang karena anak membangkang. Ada sebagian orangtua yang menangis karena merasa anaknya tak mengerti kemauan orangtua. Padahal sudah banyak diingatkan, dimarahi, bahkan dihukum.

Lonjakan tekanan emosi ini akan lebih menegangkan lagi ketika ada tamu datang ke rumah kita, sedang berbelanja di toko, atau saat melakukan perjalanan jauh bersama anak. Semenjak usia dua tahun, anak sepertinya tahu bahwa dalam situasi-situasi seperti itu kendali orangtua melemah. Ibu tak akan mengeluarkan teriakan yang menakutkan, bapak tidak mungkin berdiri mengacungkan tangan untuk memukul, seheboh apapun tingkah anak. Mereka tahu, orangtua kerap kali tak berdaya menghadapi tingkah anak–setidaknya selama tamu masih berada di rumah.

Memasuki usia dua tahun, anak memang berubah. Para ahli menggambarkan usia ini–sampai sekitar empat atau lima tahun—sebagai the terrible twos (dua tahun yang mengerikan). Anak-anak semula begitu menyenangkan, mudah diatur, membuat kita bahagia karena tingkahnya yang lucu menggemaskan, begitu memasuki usia dua tahun berubah menjadi ketegangan, mulai menunjukkan keakuan, tak jarang menampakkan “perlawanan” dan mulai ingin mengatur lingkungan. Usia dua tahun adalah usia paling lucu sekaligus membuat kita sulit tertawa. Ia ingin diperhatikan dan terutama dilibatkan. Itulah sebabnya anak bertingkah heboh.

Setidaknya ada dua hal yang membuat anak seperti itu. Pertama, anak ingin mendapat perhatian dan penerimaan dari orang lain, misalnya tamu. Tingkahnya akan lebih heboh lagi bila ia merasa di-persona-non-grata-kan (tidak disenangi) atau merasa tidak dianggap manusia. Ia merasa sudah melakukan yang terbaik, berlari keluar untuk menyambut tamu, berinisiatif menanyakan nama dan alamat, tetapi tamu yang datang menampakkan sikap tidak membutuhkan anak kecil itu.

Kedua, anak merasa kehilangan perhatian dari orangtua saat tamu datang. Sebelum usia dua tahun, orangtua selalu melibatkannya, menceritakan tentang kelucuannya, menunjukkan kehebatan sekaligus mengajaknya berdialog di depan tamu. Tetapi begitu memasuki usia dua tahun, atau beberapa bulan sebelum itu, kita mulai “mengabaikan dia”. Atas sebab itu, anak bertingkah menghebohkan untuk merebut perhatian. Tentu saja ini harus dibedakan dengan perilaku anak yang memang gesit dan meriah gerak maupun suaranya, tak peduli ada tamu atau tidak. Hanya saja, saat ada tamu kita lebih sensitif mendengar teriakan mereka yang mengagetkan.

Sepanjang saya perhatikan, anak-anak cenderung lebih tenang apabila mereka merasa tamu datang tidak hanya membutuhkan orangtua mereka. Anak-anak itu menampakkan perilaku yang lebih kooperatif bila mereka ikut disapa–satu atau dua menit—sebelum berbicara dengan orangtua.

Sikap orangtua terhadap anak juga turut berpengaruh. Kalau anak-anak disuruh masuk seketika, begitu ada tamu datang, kerapkali yang terjadi adalah ketegangan yang melelahkan. Saat-saat menemui tamu penuh pergolakan untuk menahan diri dan gusar dengan teriakan anak. Sebaliknya, ketika kita memiliki sedikit waktu untuk berbicara baik-baik dengan mereka, memberi pengertian dengan menceritakan siapa tamu yang datang dan apa keperluannya, anak cenderung lebih bisa menempatkan diri.

Jarang-seringnya tamu datang juga mempengaruhi dahsyat-tidaknya perilaku anak. Anak-anak yang di rumahnya sering kedatangan tamu, akan lebih tenang dibanding mereka yang jarang menerima tamu. Begitu ada yang datang, bagai musim kemarau disiram hujan, anak-anak itu segera berteriak lantang, bertingkah dengan selepas-lepasnya dan sibuk mencari perhatian. Tingkah anak yang memusingkan itu akan lebih menegangkan lagi jika tamu datang di saat anak sedang mempunyai permintaan dan tidak dituruti oleh orangtua. Kesempatan yang sangat bagus untuk memaksa orangtua.

Khusus berkait dengan rengekan anak saat tamu datang, ada yang perlu kita perhatikan. Tak jarang orangtua menyerah hanya demi “menjaga nama baik”, padahal dampaknya sangat buruk. Kadang orangtua menolak membelikan es krim dengan alasan tidak punya uang. Ketika anak merengek atau menangis, orangtua bersikeras tidak mau membelikan. Tetapi begitu rengekan dilakukan di hadapan tamu, segera keluar uang “pembungkam mulut”. Anak memang seketika terdiam, tetapi pada saat yang sama mencatat setidaknya mencatat empat pelajaran penting yang berbahaya.

Pertama, anak belajar berbohong dengan contoh nyata dari orangtua. Bukankah tadi orangtua mengatakan tidak punya uang? Dan bukankah orangtua ternyata dapat memberinya uang saat tamu datang? Padahal tamu datang tidak membawakan uang untuk orangtua.

Kedua, anak belajar memaksa dengan menggunakan tangis dan kekerasan. Ketika ia meminta baik-baik, orangtua tidak menuruti. Tetapi begitu ia berteriak keras, menangis, bila perlu mengamuk, orangtua segera menuruti. Pengalaman yang sangat berkesan sehingga layak menjadi “pegangan” dalam menghadapi orangtua.

Ketiga, anak belajar mempermalukan orangtua dan kelak orang lain–na’udzubillahi min dzalik—demi memperoleh apa yang diinginkan. Belajar dari pengalaman di depan tamu, anak menemukan pelajaran bahwa yang membuat orangtua bersegera menuruti adalah rasa malu. Orangtua tidak ingin kehilangan muka di hadapan tamu.

Keempat, anak belajar tidak mempercayai orangtua. Orangtuanya mengatakan tidak punya uang, tetapi ternyata mampu memberi uang saat tamu datang. Berarti orangtua telah berbohong, tidak berbicara dengan qaulan sadida (perkataan yang benar) sebagaimana diwasiatkan oleh Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla dalam Al-Quran. Cara menampik keinginan anak tidak dilakukan dengan alasan yang benar, alasan yang mendidik anak, tetapi dengan alasan yang diada-adakan. Tidak punya uang memang alasan yang paling mudah kita cari, terutama bagi para orangtua yang malas berpikir jernih.

Agar ingatan kita lebih segar dan bekasnya di hati lebih kuat, mari kita simak kembali wasiat Allah Ta’ala:

“Dan hendaklah orang-orang pada takut kalau-kalau di belakang hari mereka meninggalkan keturunan yang lemah, dan mencemaskan (merasa ketakutan) akan mereka. Maka bertakwalah kepada Allah dan berkatalah dengan qaulan sadidan (perkataan yang benar).” [An-Nisaa’: 9]

Masya Allah! Begitu kecil kelihatannya, namun begitu besar akibat yang ditimbulkan oleh kata-kata yang salah. Berawal dari hilangnya kesabaran dan keinginan untuk menyelesaikan masalah dengan segera (isti’jal), kita dapat menuai akibat yang sangat panjang. Hanya karena kita tak tahan mendengar tangisan, kita bisa menuai airmata tak habis-habisnya. Hanya karena malu di depan tamu atau pengunjung supermarket yang sebenarnya tidak saling kenal, kita bisa menanggung malu yang lebih besar. Na’udzubillahi min dzalik, tsumma na’udzubillahi min dzalik. Semoga Allah Yang Membolak-balikkan Hati, membaguskan akhlak anak-anak kita, memelihara iman mereka, dan meneguhkan kepercayaan mereka kepada kita selaku orangtua. Allahumma amin.

Bicara tentang kata, teringatlah saya kepada Bob Greene, yang pernah menulis artikel rangkuman dari bukunya berjudul He was a Midwestern Boy on His Own. Dalam artikel yang berjudul What Words Can Do (Apa yang Bisa Dilakukan oleh Kata-kata), Bob Greene menunjukkan betapa kuatnya pengaruh kata. Kata Greene, “Terkadang, bahkan sesuatu yang paling sederhana pun membawa akibat yang selama-lamanya.”

Agaknya, ada yang perlu kita benahi kembali dalam hati kita, jiwa, ilmu pengetahuan, serta sikap kita. Sungguh, pada mulut kita terletak surga dan neraka kita, sekaligus surga dan neraka anak-anak kita. Maka apakah yang sudah kita lakukan?

Semoga Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla membaguskan kita, keluarga, orangtua, dan keturunan kita seluruhnya. Semoga Allah Ta’ala ampunkan yang salah dan tinggikan apa yang benar dari langkah-langkah kita mempersiapkan anak-anak menjadi penolong agama-Nya. Allahumma amin. [www.hidayatullah.com]
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Selasa, 17 November 2009

The Positive of Islamic Parenting


One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for.

Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.

Compassion (Rehmat)

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stated, "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings".

It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them.

Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (Rehmat) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children.

Consultation (Shura)

The Prophet has related that Allah says "Oh My servant. I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".

When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle of Shura.

Cooperation

This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: "… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)".

When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.

Commitment

It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet(s): "Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you" (Nisa). This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.

Communication

Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.

So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to". This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to tune out their parents.

When communication is a means to listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures.

It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humor when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).

Consistency

Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.

Confidentiality

Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, parents often betray the trust of their children when they discuss their concerns, which they confide in them to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may take them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.

Contentment (Tawakkul)

The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.

Confidence

It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.

Control

By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).

Calm

By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our Taqwa (God consciousness) and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs.

Courage

Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our children true Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.

Critical Thinking

The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, very rarely do. Parents must encourage children to ask questions. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so". This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.

Charitable

The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad stated, "Like for your brother what you like for yourself". So if husband and wife expect respect from each other they should give respect.

A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.
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Sabtu, 28 Maret 2009

"I Waaaant It!"

I asked my friend and running partner Bonnie Federman, a mom of three, what worried her most about her kids and money. "Spoiled, spoiled, and spoiled," she replied. "That pretty much covers it for me."

As a mom of two girls, I have to agree. And parents have good reason to be more concerned than ever. Toy sales alone amounted to more than $20 billion last year, according to the Toy Industry Association, and even kids now view themselves as consumers: Children ages 4 to 12 spend billions on things like junk food, clothing, and toys.

Marketers are bypassing parents to target kids directly in increasingly sophisticated ways. For instance, Lisa Schifman, of Leawood, Kansas, took her grade-schooler to a winter soccer clinic, only to discover that the walls of the gym were covered with advertisements. "Why do I have to get nagged at a soccer practice?" she asks, reflecting the exasperation all of us now feel.

I don't have to tell you that this emphasis on stuff to buy isn't good for children; I haven't spoken to a single parent who isn't worried that her kids will come out with a skewed sense of what money can -- and can't -- do for them. The question now is what to do about it. How do you control the factors that are making your kids want more and more things? How do you say no fairly and consistently, even when you're tired of fighting? How do you teach them to delay their purchases and really value them? We talked to moms and financial experts for reality-tested answers to parents' top concerns:

"My kids want everything they see on TV"
"I let my kids watch television while I'm making dinner," says Susana MacLean, mom of a 5-year-old and 3-year-old in Westfield, New Jersey. "One day my daughter came running and said, 'Mommy, there are two new Barbies and I don't have them!'"

How to handle it: MacLean decided to limit her kids' access to commercial TV. While monitoring the shows your child watches is one way to respond, it's not your only option. Ads also provide teachable moments. When Schifman was at a toy store with her three sons, they saw the same chocolate-candy maker that the boys had seen on TV. "They looked at it, and thought it looked like a piece of junk, so we discussed how sometimes commercials have a way of making things look good that really aren't."

Carolyn Hoyt, a mom of two, writes for More and Organic Style.
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Jumat, 27 Maret 2009

Teaching Your Baby to Speak


Your baby's repertoire of sounds and syllables starts to expand between now and her first birthday. Over the next few months, she'll slowly begin adding consonants, beginning with the explosives P and B and the humming M. The combinations of vowels and consonants will, for the first time, make it sound as though your baby is talking to you. She may sound, for example, as though she's saying, "Maaaamaaaa, Maaamaaa" and "Paapaa, Paapaa." But don't kid yourself. Your baby's not calling you by name just yet. These words mean just as much (or as little) to her as "Baaabaaa, Baaabaaa." At this stage, she's just having fun making noise.

By five or six months, your baby will string sounds together in a meaningless yet always sweet-sounding babble. This babble serves as good practice for later conversations. By six months, your baby will probably want to practice her new "language" skills with anyone who's willing to listen. Six months is a very social age. Your child will most likely welcome the company of others and will start talking (saying gaga or baba) to almost anyone.
Can We Talk?

As soon as your baby starts making vowel sounds, he starts to consider himself a real conversationalist. It hardly matters that you can't understand him and he can't understand you. (After all, the same is true of many conversations between adults.) Your baby wants to talk to you the same way he's heard you talk to others.

You may be surprised the first time your baby seems to wait for you to respond to his babbling. It seems incredible that in just six months, he's picked up the nuances of conversational style. When he starts pausing (perhaps to make sure you're listening), you can have an entire babbling conversation. First your baby talks and you listen; then he knows it's his turn to listen and your turn to talk. Indeed, because he stops to listen when you talk, you may find your infant much more civil than many adult conversationalists.

When your baby tries to have a "conversation" with you, be polite. Respond to your baby as you would to any adult who started to talk to you. Stop what you're doing (at least some of the time) and engage in face-to-face conversation. Listen to his babbling. When your baby pauses, he's probably waiting for your reply. (You may even hear his voice rise just before he pauses, as if he were asking you a question.) You can respond using real words, or you can echo your baby's sounds. As soon as you stop talking, your baby may start up again, trying to keep the conversation going.

Talking to your baby is not only polite; it speeds up your child's learning process. In general, the more you talk, the more your baby will try to talk. When your baby starts babbling conversations with you, at least initially, he's getting some social practice. But in the coming months, your conversations will become a tool for your baby to learn more complex sounds. Talk a lot to your baby if you can, but don't monopolize the conversation. Remember to give your infant a chance to talk while you listen.[life.familyeducation.com]
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The snack box technique


Introduction

If your kids are too full of snacks to eat a proper dinner you need Supernanny’s snack box technique!

The snack box technique
If you let your child snack throughout the day you’re setting yourself up for mealtime mayhem when he refuses to eat all the healthy foods you serve up to him. And it doesn’t take a nutritionist to tell you that kids cannot live on snacks alone.

When Supernanny visited the Banjany family she wasn’t too happy to see mom and dad Lisa and Rich using snacks as a way of distracting their children so they could focus on their home business. They ended up in a vicious circle: snacks on the hour every hour put the kids off their main meals and the fact they hadn’t eaten properly had them whining for more snacks an hour later. Supernanny’s snack box technique helped the Banjanys find the middle ground by offering a limited choice of nutritional snacks throughout the day. Here’s how to do it…

Step 1: Boxing match…

Get your child to decorate an empty box (it can be an old shoe box or a craft store box) any way they like – lay on paint, glitter glue, paper and fabric scraps, feathers, the whole nine yards for them to choose from. box from a or use a kitchen jar.

Step 2: Snack selection…

Involve your child in choosing a selection of snacks. Keep the snacks healthy… your child will enjoy the reward ritual of the snack box as much as the snacks themselves, so they don't need to be full of sugar! Put a selection of two or three snacks (or more, depending on how filling they are and how old your child is) in the box, and give your child control over when he eats them.

Step 3: Snack attack strategy…

Use the snack box throughout the day and allow your child to choose when to take something out, except during the hour before mealtimes. Each time your child chooses a snack make it clear that once they’re all gone he won’t get any more – he’ll soon learn to pace himself.

Step 4: Stand firm…

Once the snacks are gone for the day, don’t replace them. Refill the box together the next day. [supernanny.com]
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Effective Islamic Parenting

The Soul of your child is like an uncut precious jewel entrusted into your care by Allah. To you is given the awesome responsibility of shaping that precious jewel into a beautiful form, pleasing to the eye of Allah. It is your sacred duty to ensure your child grows up to be a good and right human being (Muslim). The oneness (tawhid) of Allah is also expressed in the unity of Islamic life. Raising your children to be good and right human beings is part of the necessary Islamization of world society. The simple fact is that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to raise your children to be truly good and right human beings in the world as it is at present.

Only in a fully Islamic world will the conditions exist where children will naturally develop into the good and right humans beings desired by Allah. That is the beautiful future we can offer our children, but to do this we must do battle with the influences of the present wrong world as we create that promised future for our children. We do this by learning the knowledge and skills it takes to be an effective Islamic parent, and developing in our hearts the unstoppable desire to put these skills and knowledge into practice in our everyday life as we aid our children in their development.

We are greatly blessed by Allah to be Muslims at this particular time in world history. The unique social and historical conditions, combined with new the knowledge and technology now available, make it not only possible but highly likely that within a generation or so we will live in that long unfulfilled dream of all Muslims, a truly Islamic world.

These unique conditions existing today are: the fact that the prevailing dominant world culture, the Western culture, is undergoing a widespread social collapse due to the inherent wrongness within its belief systems and behaviours; that the conclusions of modern science have finally reached a point where one must acknowledge science now supports the traditional beliefs in God and His works; that we have recently come to understand the laws of learning by which all human characteristics are developed; and, that we now have a worldwide communication network so effective that any important new idea could reach virtually every person in the world within days.

The result of these existing conditions is that: those suffering from the collapse of the Western way of life and thought are desperate for some solution to their distress and will see in Islam that much needed answer; atheism and secular materialism will lose their power to take the faith in Islam from our youth; through the spread of the knowledge of learning theory each new generation will come closer to the perfect expression of Islam in the physical existence; and, through the right use of communication technology a unified ummah of 1.2 billion Muslims will be able to effectively offer the traditional scholarship and knowledge of Islam to all the people of the world.

In the coming years there will occur many new opportunities for all Muslims to take an active role in the creation of this truly and fully Islamic world of the future. As a most important beginning to this momentous task it is necessary for every Muslim parent to learn and practice the techniques of effective Islamic parenting. The path to effective Islamic parenting consists of two parts, necessarily inseparable. They are an objective, accurate and positive worldview, combined with a good understanding of the laws of learning by which all human characteristics develop. This is necessary because the laws of learning are much too powerful to be used without a clear positive direction in which to influence the child's development. Islam most certainly provides this clear, correct and positive direction, as Allah would never mislead us.

All laws in this physical universe belong to Allah, and the laws of learning, to the degree we correctly understand them, by which all human development takes place are created by Allah just as are the laws of physics which hold the moon, sun, and stars in place. These laws of learning provide the most powerful tool for directing the development of the individual or any social group that has ever existed. For a Muslim to be a truly effective Islamic parent it is necessary to understand Allah's laws of learning.

Just as Allah has made our religion easy for us, Allah has made the laws of learning easy for us to understand and use. Actually, these laws of learning in their entirety can be quite complex, and to fully comprehend these laws and understand their widest application can take many years of study. Nevertheless, all thanks to His Mercy, Allah has allowed anyone hearing a brief and simple explanation of these laws of learning to be able to use most of their incredible power. This easily understood knowledge of the laws of learning is more than enough to enable a parent to raise their child as a good and right human being.

It is important that knowledge of these laws of learning and their use should never be seen as somehow separate from the unity of Islamic life. To be most effective in helping you raise your children, these laws of learning are not to be 'applied' like some mechanical tool, but they must be incorporated deeply into the innermost reaches of your consciousness until they become a natural part of your unique style of interpersonal communication and interaction with your child.

In order to keep this explanation of the laws of learning both brief and simple it will be presented as a successive series of individual points, but made specific for use in effective Islamic parenting:

GENERAL LAWS OF DEVELOPMENT

Most basic premise - That any person or social group who possesses both a positive and accurate world view and an understanding of the laws of learning will move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.

An infant child comes into the world perfectly good and only becomes other than perfectly good while growing into adulthood due to the influences upon him/her during their years of development.

Human society is obviously not perfectly good at this point in history, in fact our world society has become so bad that some philosophers have made the claim that human nature is basically evil.

The reason so much evil exists in today's world is not because human nature is basically evil, but because the influences we naturally encounter as physical beings in a material world tend most often to direct our development away from Allah.

The influences upon us come from three sources in our environment, the physical, the social(any influence coming either directly or indirectly from other people), and from inner speech(the influence of our own thoughts and feelings).

Every influence upon a us will have some effect greater than zero; and, while most of these will be very small, some can be so powerful as to be life changing.

The overall impact upon our development of any single influence from any of these three sources can be either negative or positive.

Every individual is subjected to many thousands of influences every day, some of these influences being directed toward evil and some being directed toward Allah.

To overcome the influence of evil (movement toward the material) and move toward Allah (the spiritual) takes consistent and concentrated effort.

If we do not recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we will go whichever way the influences take us, thereby too often moving away from Allah and toward evil.

If we can recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we can use the laws of learning to limit the affect of the negative influences upon us and to increase the affect of the positive influences upon us, thereby moving continuously away from evil and moving toward Allah.

When we see an influence upon us that we know would push us away from Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can take away the power of that negative influence.

When we see an influence upon us that we know would help us move toward Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can add greatly to the power of that positive influence.

As we learn to recognize all the influences upon us from the inner and outer realms of the environment, when we learn to correctly identify those influences as being either negative or positive upon our development, and when we learn to use our inner speech to say the correct things after each one of those negative or positive influences (which will reduce the power of the negative and increase the power of the positive), then we will begin naturally and inevitably to move away from all that is wrong and harmful, and we will begin to move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right.

An individual who does these things cannot fail to become a good and right human being; and, a society that does these things cannot fail to become a good and right society.

GENERAL LAWS OF LEARNING

Basically, all laws of learning involve what is commonly called reward and punishment.

Any behaviour that is followed by reward (reinforcement) will tend to increase in the future.

There are two classes of reward: when something that is desired is given after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, if you were to smile at your child after he/she says something nice); and, when something that is disliked is removed after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, when your feeling of shame for some wrong you have done is removed by offering sincere repentance and seeking forgiveness from Allah).

Any behaviour that is followed by punishment will tend to decrease in the future.

There are two classes of punishment: when something that is disliked occurs after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if you were to hit your child after he/she says something rude); and, when something that is liked is removed after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if your child is not allowed to continue playing after hitting a playmate).

Punishment is always harmful to the child even if it seems to achieve the parent's goal.

The undesirable side effects of punishment are: the child will sometimes try to escape from or retaliate (fight) against the punishing situation; the child will sometimes have negative feelings toward whoever punishes him/her; and, punishment usually remains effective only when the possibility of punishment is clearly present.

The alternative to punishment should not be permissiveness (meaning to let your child do anything they want), if there is anything more harmful to the child's development than punishment it is permissiveness.

The right alternative to punishment in raising a child is called directed positive influence.

Directed positive influence means to reward (with praise, attention or an occasional small gift) your child after they do things that are good and right, while gently providing correction when your child does wrong.

The younger you start using directed positive influence with your child the easier it will be for you and the more effective it will be in helping your child develop into a good and right human being.

To provide effective Islamic parenting you must understand the concept of 'shaping'.

Shaping is the consistent rewarding of successive small steps toward any desired goal for your child.

With the shaping process correctly and consistently in effect there is no positive goal that cannot be achieved.

Set every goal at perfection, being rewarding of successful steps along that unending path but never punishing the non-arrival at that perfect goal.

The beginning steps in the shaping process should be kept small so they are easily accomplished successfully.

If during the shaping process you make any step so large that it cannot be accomplished then the progress toward the desired goal will come to a stop, and often revert back to a much less desired level.

Lots of reward should be given at the beginning of the shaping process and then should be gradually reduced in the later stages.

If reward is given after every behaviour in the shaping process this is called 'continuous reinforcement'.

Continuous reinforcement is very good for getting progress toward some desired goal underway.

The problem with continuous reinforcement is that the behaviour can become too dependent on the reward, and could stop quickly if the reward stops.

If reward is given not after every behaviour in the shaping process but after only some behaviours this is called 'variable reinforcement'.

Variable reinforcement is a good way to maintain progress toward a desired goal without the behaviour becoming too dependent on the reward, so that your child does not always expect to be rewarded for their right behaviour.

To make the shaping process most effective you should teach your child how to reward their successful progress with inner speech, their own thoughts and feelings, so reward from others is no longer necessary to maintain good and right behaviour.

It is good to always discuss your goals for your child with him/her so that you are consciously working together to achieve goals you both desire.

It will help your child greatly in their development if you can teach him/her the specifics of the laws of learning that you are using to help them become good and right human beings.

For most effective parenting everyone in the family group should be made aware of and helped to understand these laws of learning, should try to relate to each other on the basis of these laws of learning, and should share, appreciate and work together to achieve the desired goals.

SPECIFICS OF EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING

For Islamic parenting to be most effective there must be a truly Islamic society, so part of your responsibility as Muslim parents is to help recreate a right Islamic world.

Parental love for their children is a Mercy from Allah, not only in humans but even in animals.

In Islam the love of a parent for their child is so taken for granted that it is not even thought necessary to state this as a requirement for parents.

In Islam the main responsibility the parent has to their child is to provide for their education (this is to be understood in the broadest possible sense, including all things that assist the child to become a good and right human being).

The Qur'an also places great responsibility on the child in regard to their parents, requiring the child to be kind to the parents, to help their parents in their old age, to never speak to their parents with contempt, to never reject their parents, to honour their parents, and to fulfil all these responsibilities with humility.

Every child should be taught from their earliest years about their responsibility as a vicegerent(khalifah) of Allah; that it is their duty as vicegerent to transform themselves into Muslims living in true submission to the Will of Allah, that it is their duty to transform all of human society into an Islamic society living in true submission to the Will of Allah, and that it their duty to transform the physical world of space and time into a garden paradise for Allah.

Raise your child to be a courageous Muslim, willing to struggle against evil in the greater and lesser jihad, as this will be necessary to create a right Islamic world for the future.

Raise your child to fully believe they will successfully create and live in a truly Islamic world, because belief is critical to successfully achieving any goal.

Anything that you believe will happen is more likely to happen because you will find ways (both consciously and unconsciously) to make sure it happens, and anything that you don't believe will happen is less likely to happen because you will find ways to make sure it doesn't happen; this fact is known as the 'self-fulfilling prophesy'.

The parent should never let their love for their child prevent them from doing what is right for their child (for example neglecting to correct the child when he/she does wrong).

If there is a conflict of interests, the requirements of Islam have priority over the desires of the child (for example, if the child would rather play than pray).

Teach your child to love Allah, The Prophet, Islam, and Islamic values.

Teach your child to see all things and understand all things from the perspective of Islam.

In Islam if it becomes necessary to correct your child for some wrongdoing this must be done according to a certain hierarchy: first, explain to your child in a gentle way how they have overstepped some limit from rightness into wrong; second, if the gentle instruction does not result in the child correcting that wrong behaviour, you should indicate your disapproval of that wrong behaviour by withdrawing your favour (for example, do not give smiles, hugs or kind words to your child at such times); and third, only as a last resort, your child can be physically punished (beaten) if they do not correct the wrong behaviour.

In Islam if it becomes necessary for you to beat your child there are specific rules and limitations: you may not hit your child on the face or stomach, you may not hit your child more than a maximum of three times, and you may not hit your child hard enough to leave a cut or bruise on the skin.

You should never hit your child when you are angry, not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry.

It is important to realize that if you reach a point where you feel it is necessary to beat your child then something has gone badly wrong, and you previously have not done all you could have done to avoid this becoming necessary.

It is a fact of learning that you cannot punish a child without harming him/her, so punishment can only become necessary if you have no positive alternative, and the good that comes from being punished will outweigh the harm you do to your child.

Remember, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never once hit a child, a woman or a servant.

Do not argue with your child, as there is almost never any benefit in doing so.

Although your child might well choose to pray at a younger age, at seven years of age your child should be required to pray through gentle encouragement; and, at ten years of age your child can be beaten for not praying, although this circumstance should never arise with correct Islamic parenting.

Your child should be taught to memorize the Qur'an, the benefits are many and much wider in scope than is often believed in these modern times.

At every age there must be appropriate rights given to your child and necessary limits set upon your child's behaviour, which will allow your child to fully explore their human potential while not causing harm to themselves, harm to others or damage to their surroundings.

If you see your child doing something wrong it is usually not even necessary to mention the thing that is wrong, instead, it is often sufficient (and always more desirable) only to say how much you like the right thing which is the opposite of the wrong being done.

You should not expose your child's failings or wrongdoings in front of others, if this must be done it is best if it be done privately.

Don't give much attention to the bad or wrong things your child does and says, but give lots of attention to the good or right things your child does and says.

You should, of course, always love your child unconditionally, but you should only express that love at times which are most beneficial to your child.

You should at all times be a model of a good and right human being (Muslim) for your child.


bismillaahir rahmaanir rahiim

EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING (Read each morning!!!)

I am raising my child to be a successful vicegerent (khalifah) of Allah, who will help create a truly Islamic World.

Today I will try my best to know and understand all the influences upon my child's development.

Today I will try my best to help my child understand the power of negative influences to take him/her away from Allah, and the power of positive influences to take him/her to Allah.

Today I will try my best to shield my child from the power of the negative influences to take him/her away from Allah.

Today I will try my best to enhance (increase) the power of the positive influences upon my child to take him/her toward llah.

Today I will try my best to notice some positive things my child does or says, and tell him/her how much those things are appreciated by me and by Allah.

Today I will try my best to say nothing negative to my child. Even if I have to correct my child's wrong behaviour I will try my best to find some positive way to do so.

Today I will love my child unconditionally, but I will try my best to express that love at times which are most beneficial to my child.

Today I will try my best to be an example of a good and right human being (Muslim) for my child.

Today I will pray for Allah's help that I can be a good parent for my child.
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